Vladimir Kagan's Blog

The Church That Apple Built

The Church That Apple Built

Copyright Vladimir Kagan July – 2011

 

An Open letter to Steve Jobs

 

Steve Jobs

CEO Apple

In the Sky

 

Dear Mr. Jobs,

 

I hate to bother you, knowing that you have not been feeling well and have taken a leave of absence from your wonderful company “to spend more time with your family”. But you, like God live somewhere up in the clouds and I have no other person on earth to turn to with my problem.

 

Your vast extended family here on earth (they are more like acolytes) are all too busy selling your beautiful Apple products to the millions and millions of Earthlings that have not as yet been converted.

 

When I walk into one of your inspirational stores, (the experience is more like an evangelical church) full of starry-eyed devotees, seeing the revelations in your iPads, i.Phones, and MacBook Air computers… In place of rosaries, or worry beads, you have created irresistible wireless mice, keyboards and other toys to heighten the Apple experience. Your devotees come in all colors, sexes, sizes and ages; it is truly an ecumenical experience. Your acolytes are easily recognizable by their cheerful blue T-shirts. Approach one for a new product and their eye’s light up and they will lead you to the Grail…. Ask them for help and their eyes glaze over, (this is not the gospel mission Jobs has given them). At the far end of the “Apple Church” in the Alter position, is the “Genius Bar” where the high priests hold court. You must not judge a book by its cover! They do NOT look like geniuses – (Christ’s disciples, as seen in paintings, looked their part – these are definitely mortals), Their demeanor, however, is lofty. You cannot approach them at will, St. Peter, with an iPad in hand, must first make an appointment…. This can take anywhere form an hour to several days). In such glorious company, one accepts the “word” and humbly withdraws.

 

At the appointed time, you finally meet face to face with a talking head. (For this interview, you are offered a chair - really only a stool). As a novice I try to explain my problem in lay terms, not the high faluting vocabulary of the initiated. This becomes a difficult conversation, as the high priests only understand technical terminology. But hope lasts eternal… and your Genius passes you onto to the next Genius, who finally explains that yours is a software problem and they only deal with hardware!

 

But all is not lost! When I purchased my new Apple Mac Book Pro, (this is my 10^th Apple computer) your wise acolyte introduced me to “The Book of Jobs”. Without this bible, you cannot proceed and thus I duly purchased:

• An extended warranty,
• One to One new membership,
• APP for MacBookAir/MacBook e/k-USA,
• MobilMe Individual,
• iPod Touch 8GB
• Apple Mini-DP to DVI adaptor
• Apple Mini-DP to VGA adaptor
• Western Digital Passport Studio 320G
• Incase Neoprene Sleeve

Fear not…armed with all these protections, you are ready to roll… Steve Jobs is looking after you.

 

Truly, only a small issue remained: Nantucket does not have an Apple Church; there are no meeting halls where like-minded devotees can meet and discuss their problems. (That was a Quaker tradition on the Island and they have all departed.)

 

The last resort: Go on the Internet… get into a virtual chat with an Apple Guru. That is as close as you can get with your "One on One" membership! There is no direct voice communication.

 

…. And so I chatted with my new friend. We were instantly on a first name basis and he politely asked how I was feeling today… (How can you get angry with such a nice person?) We chatted for an hour and a half; I was represented by a handsome image of myself in black silhouette and he with a cute Pixel cartoon of an apple talking. My problem was really simple: I have enjoyed an APP called iCal… a calendar that has faithfully kept all of my appointments, future and past in neat color-coded monthly pages. This simple little icon has been stored in my Dock for the last year and has been accessible with a mouse click…. NOT ANYMORE…. Recently, I could not remember my personal I.D. and at the request of Apple, I changed it to a more sophisticated code. Now my calendar no longer recognized me… Instead of my appointments, I get a rude Question Box announcing:

 

 “THE SERVER RESPONDED WITH AN ERROR – the server did not recognize your user name or password for account [email protected]. Make sure you enter them correctly”…and then it insists that I press OK before I can proceed with any other business on my computer.

 

Being a law-abiding citizen, I have complied with these instructions hundreds of times in the last week. It hiccups and repeats this dumb question over and over and still refused to recognize me… (its old devoted friend!)

 

This simple dilemma was explained in detail to my Chat friend, who in the end, confessed that he could not help me! I implored him to, “let’s save time and money… just call me”… but in the book of Jobs, this was not permitted!

 

Dear Mr. Jobs, you can see my frustration. PLEASE HELP that in the future, I may be allowed to talk one-on-one to a disciple!

 

Yours faithfully,

 

Vladimir Kagan

 

P.S. To spare you this trivial problem, my dilemma was resolved by a PC man in five minutes!

 

 

Requiem for a Clunker

 

Copyright Vladimir Kagan July 3, 2011

 

How They Don’t Make’em The Way They Used To

 

For the past 15 years we have driven the Great, great Grandson of my Motel T. A second hand Ford Explorer that finally died… well not exactly died… the repair bills exceeded its book value.

 

It was a modest car as far as SUV’s go. Not oversized, not gussied up with chrome trim, it had all the bells and whistles needed to enjoy a car ride: CD player plus cassettes (you remember cassettes, those little frustrating boxes with thin film that invariably became entangled in the player?) it had a sun roof, indispensable for summer driving…it had a boat hitch, a compass, (very useful before GPS), it even read the temperature outside as well as inside, plenty of luggage space, a roof rack, it had a trouble light that warned you to check the engine (which flashed on more frequently than you really wanted it to.) Most often it indicated low window-washer fluid… but how were we to know? It was in cahoots with the auto-repair shop as you needed to bring it in for an inspection before it could pass inspection…. and it loved to drink gasoline. The color was a conservative forest green… so ubiquitous on Nantucket that we would frequently put the groceries into the wrong wagon until we acquired a distinguished vanity plate: VLAD. Every since it was referred to as the Vladmobile.

 

The Vladmobile lived on Nantucket, never driven on the beach and seldom left the Island, it lived a healthy outdoor life winter and summer. (The garage was reserved for its great, great Grandfather, our Model T). Compared to the great, great grandfather, who is alive and well at 89, it died at the early age of 15. It retained its pretty face until the end… Over the years it acquired Nantucket stripes, those thin horizontal gashes from driving its narrow streets and being caressed by the ubiquitous privet that guards our driveways and backcountry dirt roads.

 

The Vladmobile with its Great. great grandfather, a 1918 Model T

Winter and summer, it did its duty... 

We kissed it good-bye just before the 4th of July Holiday. Stripped of its distinguished license plate,it looked like a dignified old car. In August, it will have one final fling: we donated it to the Demolition Derby, where within an hour, it will be reduced to a rubble of crushed steel and finally taken off island as a pancake on top of a flatbed trailer, along with all the other hulks that were driven to their final demise in this grotesque event.

 

We will not attend the funeral service.