Vladimir Kagan's Blog

LOST & proFOUND

LOST & pro-FOUND

Copyright Vladimir Kagan May 18, 2011

 

How everything in life has a purpose

 

With maturity (the polite word for old age), comes wisdom and forgetfulness - Hence it was not surprising that Erica could not remember where she put her driver’s license (after using it as an I.D. on our return from Palm Beach.)

 

Erica's frantic search for her driver's license

This triggered a furious three-day search. Not in her handbag – Not in my briefcase – Not on her desk in New York – perhaps with our Passports?... Our passports??? O.M.G…. I quickly remembered that I had left them in Nantucket!

Contrary to Erica, I know where everything is stashed and could direct our son Illya to their precise location. Unfortunately, Erica’s license was not to be found in Nantucket… but mercifully the passport were.

This might have been the end of the saga, but drama in our family manages to continue (no wonder a sagacious producer is thinking of making a reality show of our lives). Erica, in a panic, did not let up on the search for her driver’s license, though I assured her that she would not be driving in Istanbul. That did not abate her concern. The panic continued and the night before departure, she implored me to file a lost document application with the Mass. DOT…. A lengthy and lugubrious process, which included the need for her original Social Security card as the name on the card was not the same as on her license. This promted a second round of searching; in among other places - her wallet.  There, “Lo and Behold”, innocently turned backside up, was her “lost” license!!!

 

All's well that ends well

The moral of this story: Everything in life, whether trivial or major - adverse or otherwise, has its purpose. Had Erica not misplaced her license we would have arrived at the airport for our European departure without passports! ---  Had she not needed her Social Security card, we might not have found her license!…. Henceforth, do not cuss out your spouse for being forgetful…. There may be a good reason!

 

PS. I had also searched her wallet for the missing drivers license, and had not seen it, perhaps suggesting that with “maturity” should come regular eye check- ups! 

 

The Negative Option Syndrome

The Negative Option Syndrome

Copyright Vladimir Kagan May11, 2011

The operative word for Negative Option is BUT… do not allow anyone to start a conversation with it!

Erica reading the negative options on her prescription medicine (which she decided NOT to take!)

 

My wife Erica is aflicted with the Negative Option malady. It can stymie progress. I am convinced that it is hereditary. ……She blames it on her father… and I see it in some of my children…. It is virtually incurable. Her Dad said, “It’s a scout’s duty to go out, look about and find out all about the enemies’ position”.  This little verse controls her life.

 

She is a creative reader of food labels - but ignores the evils of partially saturated fats…. She doesn’t want me to drive alone – if you have an accident, you should not be alone in the car…. Don’t leave a lamp on in a room after leaving the house - a short-circuit could happen and start a fire. (But the oven is frequently left on by mistake)…. Toothpastes use saccharine - bad for you… deodorants have aluminum - bad for you… tap water has chlorine - bad for you…. She is a died-in-the-wool devotee of bottled water and buys gallons of this uncontrolled, filtered tap and river water! (Never mind the sordid pollution caused by the millions of plastic bottle in the landfills, nor the carbon footprint of transporting Evian, Fiji, or Pellegrino to our table). Don’t sit on tables – it’s bad luck and they may collapse under you… seeing a new moon through glass is a bad omen. (I’m obliged to open the window in the house or car to see this phenomena unfiltered.)

 

She has evolved a sacred manifesto that doesn’t quite explain this quirk: her “Theory of Twos”. It implies that everything in life is made of twos: day & night, hot & cold, good & bad, etc. etc. in her rational she construes this as producing a third element…. She then goes off into outer space and brings in black holes, novas and other odd happenings beyond the Hubble telescope. All heady stuff.

 

I, on the other hand believe food preservatives have kept me chipper for all these years…I love spicy food and firmly believe it cleanses the stomach…. I have blind faith in my doctors…. don’t mind dust and mold (especially on cheese) and continue life in this blithe way….. My darling Erica treats cautiously…thinks twice before making a move, turns off lights, closes doors, takes pride in not taking any medicine (even when it’s prescribed)… I suppose that confirms her theory of Twos… but I am missing how this makes three!

 

To bring this argument back to earth… this winter we deposited our son and his family at the airport to go from balmy Palm Beach to shivering Aspen. Driving back in the empty car she fretted, “if they don’t wear hats, they’ll surely catch colds…. if they don’t dress warmly - worse might happen.

 

Erica has fair skin. We visit dermatologists regularly… they have different faces and bedside manners, but all agree that she is a potential target for skin cancer. With each visit she is subjected to more freezing of suspicious blemishes as well as biopsies and minor surgery to remove these demons. The recommended treatment is a draconian cream that promises to expose the hidden devils. It comes with a five page Negative Option pamphlet, showing facial deformities, death threats and other torture chamber horrors. The creams benefits are obvious… but my darling wife refuses to use it based on the miniscule chance that the unspeakable will happen.

 

She listens to everyone with an opinion, the more random the better. Her massage guru is a great source of advice… At our age everyone has had knee problems; dinner partners and the cocktail circuit are a great source of information. Everyone has The BEST surgeons in the world… Dentists are another favorite … she’s always shopping for a new one. … She follows all leads for the answer she hasn’t heard….

 

Knee Surgery… a nasty prospect. (Since her ski accident, four years ago), her hip was repaired but her knee was left with a bucket-handle tear of the meniscus causing arthritis and constant discomfort…. Recommended procedure: an arthroscopic clean out (an operation that can be accomplished in a half hour). Our friend and doctor in Nantucket made the fateful error of giving a prudent observation “I must be careful not to do too much as the knee could get worse”…In the parlance of the street that is called CYA [Cover Your _ss] a necessary precaution doctors needs to take to forestall malpractice suits…. But for Erica, that was the kiss of death. For the next three years she had opted for alternatives: Cortisone injections, a cocktail of her own blood injection, Heel lifts in the shoe to offset a 3 mm differential in her leg lengths due to the hip operation, Volterin Cream (a Swiss balm to relive pain)… She likes snake oils, as they do not have negative options…. Extra thick cushions on chairs and car seats to ease getting up… She has even considered buying an ejection-seat recliner, the ugliest chair in the rehab store (even though it is reputed that her husband designs rather good looking recliners!) 

 

In quest for a solution, we consulted three orthopedic surgeons in Palm Beach: who came to the overwhelming conclusion: A knee replacement!…. ouch…. Not satisfied…. the search went on….”There is always a light at the end of the tunnel” and sure enough, we found a surgeon who strongly recommended a conservative approach: “Let’s do Arthroscopic before replacement”… Not two weeks after the procedure she was walking without pain, dancing up a storm at a Palm Beach gala and now six weeks later, the agony of the past three years is but a vague memory…There’s a moral to this story: He who hesitates sometimes WINS. I guess following the negative options isn’t all that bad after all!

 

 

 

Erica’s Rebuttal

 

I do confess I have the “can’t make up my mind” syndrome from my father. My mother told me that two weeks before their marriage, he sent her a telegram saying, “should we really go through with it?”… Just think, but for my mother’s determination, I might not even be here. I was always slow. My grandmother told me that it took ten hours before I was born, the doctor, pacing the room, was wringing his hands, saying “I don’t know what to do!”…. “Get another opinion” said my grandmother… and it worked: here I am eighty-two years later!

 

But my theory of twos is not clearly explained by my dear husband. I’m not an Einstein. however, I think his theory of relativity means there are two opposing things that cause movement, otherwise, everything would be static: man & woman, night & day, life & death, war & peace. Up & down, east & west, hot & cold, heaven & hell, good & evil, matter & anti-matter… Try and find something that doesn’t have an opposite!

 

My birthday is in October, a Libra - represented by the scale, the balance between right and wrong. So while Vladi is impetuous, I am deliberative.... We make a perfect couple!

Just a happy couple tootling along on the road of life

 

 

 

From Summer Into The Deepfreeze

From Summer Into The Deepfreeze

Nantucket’s annual Daffodil Day

Copyright Vladimir Kagan May 2, 2011

A very grey and chilly day for the Annual Daffodil Day Parade

 

Speak about bad karma…. We left balmy Palm Beach to overfly the remnant of the deadly Tornados and arrived in overcast Boston on schedule for our 2:20 departure to Nantucket…. We prided ourselves at beating the weather system, which was still hovering around New York and Connecticut…. Hold everything, as the Direct Marketing Television ads entice you to do.... Within the hour, things deteriorated…. No plane on the ground…. (Awaiting one to come in)… “Expect a forty-minute delay”…. The clouds were darkening and I started to initiate Plan B: rent a car and drive to the ferry in Hyannis. Within a short time frame…. Everything worsened: All flights were canceled and we had to scramble to retrieve our eight pieces of checked luggage. Miraculously they all showed up at the carousel…. We drag them to Hertz to pick up our midsize; (it took three upgrades and a very gracious assistant manager, to get us a Minivan)... finally we set of for Hyannis. (As anyone familiar with Boston’s “Big Dig”, the exits are poorly marked and the traffic is excruciating.) Fortunately, I found the HOV lane and buzzed past four lanes of creeping cars. En route the weather worsened and the sky exploded with torrential rains…. Afternoon ferries were canceled; I made the exec decision to book on a seven o’clock high Speed. Amazingly we made it, but with barely time to spare. In the ferry terminal they kindly forecast conditions at sea: Rough. BUT the New England clam chowder lined our tummies and a cold Corona made the crossing very tolerable…. By the time we arrived on Island, all was calm and the storm had played itself out at sea.

 

The weather was cold, in the 40s, the only sign of spring on Nantucket were the courageous Daffodils that were spouting in every field and garden. A few brave leaves were showing their heads on some of the tree-branches… But for Nantucket, this was the beginning of spring: IT WAS DAFFODIL WEEKEND…. A celebration that started some 37 years ago with a Garden Club flower show and a rag-tag antique car parade of local jalopies and of course our ’22 Model T…. the afternoon was celebrated with simple tailgate picnics and there was plenty of free booze to spread the joy. In those days, participants and the audience decorated their cars and themselves with anything yellow from their closets; a few Daffy’s stuck into their cars, hats and sweaters. Over the next twenty years, this unprepossessing event has morphed into an Island institution…. Today we have magnificent cars from all over the country, vying for the 100 spaces available on a first come first to register basis. (Registration is filled months before the event.) The funky Tailgate picnics have turned into gourmet feasts of culinary display…costumes are prepared months in advance like Madre Gras in New Orleans…and oh yes…. Booze is not permitted. (Wine is surreptitiously served out of brown paper bags…prohibition style.)

 

Erica prepped us the week before with a successful trip to Michael's (a well known craft and artificial flower store) to buy all their garlands, wreaths and fake Daffodils in stock. (Transporting them to Nantucket required a new suitcase).

 

Our commitment for leaving the warmth of Palm Beach to the uncertainty of Nantucket was to be one of the lucky 100 to parade in our trusty “Tin Lizzy” in the Daffodil Day Parade…. “She” had been hibernating for almost a year in our crowded garage, sharing her precious space with two bicycles, our son-in-law’s motorcycle, sundry fishing gear, waders, beach chairs, rakes, crow bars, sledge hammer, post-digger, ladders, weed-whacker, leaf blower, clamming rakes, fish-smoker, shelves of dried-up paints plus the obligatory antique car parts….. Re-commissioning her is a dicey challenge. I charged the battery, I jacked-up the rear wheel (a necessary precaution to keep her from back-firing and taking the pressure off the transmission (or something). Model T’s are funny “birds”…. They’re not like any other car…. Each year, I forget how to drive it! There are three foot pedals… none of them are the accelerator, (that is located on the steering wheel together with a spark advancer). Not to get screwed-up, it is best to refer to the manual or call your best buddy. (I did the latter). You must turn the ignition to the LEFT (I had been turning it to the right – that direction is only to switch to Magneto!) for the next half-hour; I was frustratingly wearing down the battery, without success. When I finally “wised-up” and turned the key correctly, she burst into life with the familiar chuck, chuck and clouds of stinking exhaust belching into the air.  Next the mysterious pedals: the closest one to an accelerator is the low gear, which throws the car into motion… this is located on the very left, where today’s brake pedal is. The right hand pedal is the brake…and tucked into the middle is the reverse pedal. (If you are wearing a wide shoe like a topsider, it’ll be hard to engage)…Driving this Buggy is a little like playing a pipe-organ, using your hands on top and blindly dancing your feet on the bottom.

Primary mission accomplished, we topped off the gas, (located under the driver’s seat), pumped Up the tires to an unbelievable 55 lbs and tootled off to Main Street, where all the other 99 cars were already assembled.

 

Our 1922 Model T out of mothballs, dressed up for the parade and ready to roll

 

This is where the fun began. Hundreds of happy visitors costumed with vivid imagination, are pouring over all the exciting cars assembled. Though the sky was gray, it was Spring all over….

 

A classic Buick with her spring bonnet

                       

                       

                      
                                 A '57 Chevy two-door hardtop--- you can see my passion for red...can't ever resist it!

A "muscle" 50's Mercedes tractor - truck

Our "Lizzy" on parade showing off her simple engine

That's our son Illya, who has become a Model T aficionado and the only other person that can drive it!

                          

A family portrait

  
                          

A rare 1928 Ford Model A Woody

My beloved La Salle circa 1937 (which I do not own)

....and this is the other car I still dream about - my 1955 Thunderbird (this one is a '56)

This '67 Caddy needed no decorations... it was decorative on its own!

It's not just the cars that are decorated...these four ladies traveled here from as far off as California

a bunch of hats in front of Erica Wilson's store

Hats were the big thing...these ladies could have competed at the Royal Wedding

 As we drove out to Sconset at the other end of the island, the road was lined with happy picnickers cheering us on to the next destination, where the food display takes over.

 

the winning tailgate picnic

                     

Our tailgate was not a prize-winner but we sure had fun!

 

 

In spite of the weather, the event was a huge success…. Everyone enjoyed themselves.

 

 

Today is our fourth day on the Island and things are cheering up… blossoms are budding out all over…. the sun is shining without a cloud in the sky, Nantucket is waking up out of it’s deep winter sleep!