…and that’s why I avoid meeting new people!
Copyright Vladimir Kagan, April Fools Day 2011
I've never met anyone I didn't like!
I appear gregarious but love being a recluse - I come across as a curmudgeon, but have trouble doing it with a straight face - I am always surprised to find an interesting person behind the bland face I’m introduced to. I kinda shy away from people my own age and drift toward the cutie-pies in the crowd… (I have a terrible affliction: I am drawn to pretty women…but not vice-versa)… Unfortunately, beyond their attractive demeanor, they are often dull, with little conversation worth remembering… At a party, the fat lady with the multiple chins doesn’t interest me… the old gentleman on a walker (who am I to cast stones?) is ignored for the nymphet with the pretty smile and décolleté…. Afflicted with this malady, I often miss the most interesting repartee…
This is me on the left, having an interesting conversation!
At a recent dinner party, I was seated next to an elderly couple…due to my “selective” hearing; I could only catch half of what they were saying…. For diversion, I was surreptitiously searching the table for an attractive alternative but politely stuck with my companions. By the end of the evening, it turned out that he was an important retired Judge with much to add to a conversation, his friend was a well-traveled lady with frequent sojourns to exotic places in the world. Their stories were fascinating. Too bad I could only hear half the conversation. (A good argument for a hearing aid? Yes… but at $5,000 a pop, it’s a gadget I’m destined to loose within a week in the swimming pool!…. I would also be able to hear Erica calling me from our bedroom, where selective hearing is a much better excuse.)
The dinner conversation
Whenever I open myself up to strangers, it is never disappointing…. So why am I avoiding them?.... Am I shy? People think I am affable…. Am I a lousy conversationalist? I can talk all night and keep them in stitches with my foolish ranting…. Should I see a shrink? Too late…. NO, I’m just lazy! It takes too much of an effort and I’d rather sit at my computer writing this Blog than open a conversation with a casual friend. (In my previous Blog, I advised how to evade unwanted conversation: avoid eye contact or feign sleeping!) For the cocktail circuit, here’s an update: wear dark glasses – they make you look mysterious and unapproachable. Fumble in your handbag or wallet. Look beyond your protagonist and search for another party…. When all else fails, spill your cocktail and create a diversion! (be nice to your host…make certain it’s a martini or white wine…never spill champagne (too good to waste)!
to avoid an unpleasant encounter....cause a diversion
I see myself in the roles of my two favorite movie heroes: Al Pacino in a “Scent of a Woman” and Jack Nickelson in “As Good As It Gets” These are my kind of guys: misanthropic obsessive-compulsive… lovable.
Am I sinking into the abyss of a misanthrope killjoy? Hell NO! - I wanna be the life of the party! Please invite me to your next event and seat me with your most interesting guests (BUT first send me their curriculum vite so I’ll be prepared for some great conversation!)
All of my friends
At the next party, I promise to behave and wear my blinders so as not to drift in the direction of the Sylvan Maidens.
The new me with blinders meeting interesting guest